Thank God For Modern Conveniences – How Lucky Our Kids Really Are

Post originally featured on Dot Complicated – by Randi Zuckerberg

Last week while on a trip home from the grocery store, I hit a curb and blew a tire. Upon pulling over, I immediately felt panic starting to set in. Not only did I have two small kids with me, but also hundreds of dollars worth of groceries in my trunk that needed refrigeration.

After running through “what to do next” strategies in my head, it suddenly occurred to me: Wait! I can just press the call button on my rearview mirror and roadside assistance will be here in no time. Next, I accessed the Über App on my iPhone to call a cab and had him take my kids, my husband and the groceries home. Fifteen minutes later a nice gentleman showed up, changed my tire and sent me on my way.

Fifteen years ago this situation would’ve played out very differently. In fact, during my teenaged years I had a blow out on an Interstate Highway on my way to my summer lifeguard job. This, of course, was before cell phones were readily available or affordable, so my plan of action was somewhat different. After I pulled over, I had to walk, over a mile, to the next exit wearing nothing more than a bathing suit and some shorts! True story. I was humiliated to say the least. Once I got to the exit, I then begged a vendor at a flea market to use his phone. He watched me closely as each minute used was very costly back then. Luckily, my brother answered our landline phone and told me he would come help. I gave the vendor $5 and hitched a ride with an elderly couple, who I made promise they wouldn’t kidnap me, back to my car. Several hours later I arrived at work and was greeted by a very angry boss. As a mom now, this story makes me cringe at all the things that could’ve happened to me.


Each day, I read countless articles about how technology is ruining our youth, creating an “I want every thing yesterday” mentality, taking away from real human connections, and making life more difficult. However, I find these accusations to be the furthest from the truth. I believe technology has given us hope with medical advancements, it’s provided opportunities for businesses to grow exponentially, it’s connected us to long lost relatives, friends and strangers, but most importantly it’s given us back time. The last thing I want to do is waste hours of my day on life’s little inconveniences, like flat tires, when I’d much rather be spending that time with my family.

I feel my kids’ generation is quite lucky to be growing up in this age of technological advancement. I love that they’ll never know what it’s like to dial a number on a rotary phone, or have to wait up all night just to record their favorite song off the radio – only to have several seconds of it ruined by a DJ talking. They won’t have to drive to a store to rent a movie and then worry about racking up hundreds of dollars of late fees. They won’t have to carry their entire music collection around in a big heavy case so they can listen to one song at a time on their Walkman’s. They’ll never get lost because everyone has a GPS on their phone. Finally, they’ll have all the knowledge in the world available at their fingertips, rather then spending hours in a library searching through card catalogs or having to utilize the Dewy Decimal System.

Raise your hand if you had the "sport" one!
Raise your hand if you had the “sport” one!

I, for one, chose to embrace change and advancement, and take solace in knowing my kids will never have to walk down a highway to get help – in their bathing suits.












Tips For Road Trippin’ With Small Kids

Recently I embarked on a 15-hour road trip with my husband, my four-year-old and my eight-month-old. Before leaving I asked all of you if I was crazy or just stupid to think this could be done while still maintaining my sanity. Most of you answered “crazy” but I have to admit it turned out to be a little bit of both. I am happy to announce that we did survive, but to call it a “vacation” would be somewhat of a stretch.  Unfortunately road trips just aren’t the same with little ones – or at least with my little ones.  In my younger days I used to love road trips. I once drove from San Antonio to Tampa non-stop. I could stay up around the clock and compete with the truckers as to who could last longer. Not so much any more.  Now I get muscle cramps, nausea and spend most of my time counting down the seconds until we arrive at our destination.

“Are we there yet?” – me every second…

This trip we did run into a few National Lampoons moments. Our hotel had a blackout and we had to entertain our toddler in pitch dark for hours. I also had to hand-express my milk because I forgot my battery charger for my pump. After about 30 minutes of pumping my hand felt paralyzed, so I had to enlist my husband to fulfill the remaining pumping shifts. My little guy had four diaper blowouts  explosions, which in turn ruined his infant car seat.  The disaster he created could only be cleaned up by The Ghostbusters, but unfortunately they no longer exist.  Let’s just say – the reminder of the trip our car did NOT smell of roses and we had to replace the carseat as soon as we got home.

Overall, the trip was worth it because we were able to spend time with family and make some wonderful memories, however until my baby gets a little older – home is where we’ll stay.

Here’s some tips to help keep your sanity on road trips with little ones.

  • Don’t do it. Just kidding, I know they can be fun and are much more affordable than flying.
  • Plan pit stops.  Check out fun stops along your route to break up the trip and let your kids stretch your legs.
  • Add a couple hours to your agenda. Your trip will take longer than you think, so just plan on it. You’ll have to make a lot of stops with kids to use the restroom, eat, stretch, etc.
  • Research your route. Look up major highways for any construction notices. This can shave hours off of your drive if you’re able to go around all the traffic delay’s.
  • Hot Spot. Having a hot spot in the car for our iPad was a life-saver for my toddler.  We played a lot of games, but when all else failed we handed him the iPad. We also downloaded some Apps that didn’t require an internet connection in case our hot spot went out.
  • Know when to stop. Six hours seemed to be the breaking point for my little guy. After six hours he became a ticking time bomb and it was difficult to console him. Next time this will be our stopping point for the night.
  • Take lots of food. Not only does this save money – but time as well. I took a cooler with several sandwiches and fruit along with a grocery bag of dry snacks. I hate eating fast food on road trips so this was our lunch and dinner.  My digestive system thanked me later.
  • Invest in baby gadgets. Buy one of these immediately for the car if your baby can’t hold his bottle that well yet. This little contraption prevented me from having to sit lodged between two car seats for an hour. Podee Hands Free Bottle



If you have any tips to add please share in the comments section!

Five Rules When Play – Dating

Since becoming a parent I’ve tried to focus on building my network of new-parent friends, but truth be told, it’s been difficult. Being a busy, working mom, I barely have any energy at the end of the day. When I pick up my kids from daycare the last thing I want to do is socialize and scout out new play-date potentials.  Because let’s be honest here, I’m really just scouting out the other moms to see if they are as cool as me – who cares if the kids get along, right?  Most toddlers don’t get along anyway.  They spend all their playtime fighting and tattling on who’s not sharing. I’m the one who needs the friend – and a drinking buddy.

Through this awkward scouting process I’ve realized that rules apply when setting up play-dates, just as they did when you were a participant on the dating scene.

To help you in your quest for the perfect partner, here are five rules you need to know when jumping into the play-dating pool.

  1. Always approach the other parent as a better version of yourself. You know… like you’re the perfect mom who does it all and has it all. Why wouldn’t she want to hang around you and be just as fabulous?


  1. Make the initial interaction seem spontaneous. Meaning – you’ve actually been scouting them for a while, however you don’t want them to think you’re some kind of creep-ster. Randomly approach them and start the conversation with, “I don’t normally do this, but…”.  They know you’re a liar – but at least it breaks the ice.


  1. Ask for their E-mail address not their phone number. No one likes phone calls these days.Who has time for that? If you do get a number, only text. Just like with dating you want to abide by the three-day rule. If you reach out the same night you met, you’ll seem like a stalker who doesn’t have any other friends. Also, when emailing make sure to stress how busy you are, but may be able to squeeze them in. This always makes you sound important.


  1. Ease into the ‘Friend Request’. Wait until after a few play-dates to build a Facebook, or any other social media, relationship. Again, you’ll seem way to eager. Plus, I would rather have a few conversations before you see pictures of me from college dancing on bars that my friends so graciously posted for Throw-Back-Thursday.


  1. On the play-date make sure your kid doesn’t do the first ‘asshole’ thing. You don’t want to be the first one to say, “He normally doesn’t act like this, he’s just tired.” Truth is – your kid does act like this most of the time, but you can’t blow his cover until after the honeymoon phase. Once the honeymoon phase is over, you can settle into a nice, real, relationship and start fighting over which kid left the toilet seat up.

It would be nice, like when dating, if moms could just cut to the chase. Aren’t we a little too old for games? Weren’t we tortured enough just trying to land our husbands? Either way, if you follow these simple rules above you’re sure to build your network of mom-friends. Off to scout more play-dates!


Curbing My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – One Child At A Time

People told me when I was pregnant the second time around, I would feel like a professional and not stress near as much with this baby, but I was not convinced. Did they not know me? I, by nature, am a type A, anxiety ridden, crazy person.

Right before my second son was born I began reflecting and taking notes on all the things I did with my first son to try and prepare myself. Once I reached the end of the list, I could already feel the tightening in my chest from the anxiety. How was I going to keep up with all this and look after a toddler too? After closer evaluation I thought to myself: Is this a joke? What an idiot! Right then and there I decided it would be best if my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I – parted ways. Moving forward I would have a go-with-the-flow type of attitude, or else I knew I would drive myself straight to the grave trying to keep up. So far this attitude has been working. Not only has this approach minimized my anxiety, but I actually enjoy parenting a lot more this time around. Who knew?

Below are just a few obsessive behaviors I demonstrated with my first son that I have completely abolished with my second. I won’t be mad if you judge me for being the anal retentive person that I was. Please feel free.

  • I had to have every latest-and-greatest piece of baby gear on the market. This is Chicago. Why did I fill my tiny condo with crap I barely even used, if at all?
  • He ate every two hours on the dot. There was no veering from that schedule no matter where we were or what was going on.
  • For two weeks after his birth, I made my husband take shifts with me where we would stay up 24 hours and watch the baby sleep to make sure he was breathing. The shifts were three hours each. Question: Why does my husband still love me?
  • I sprinted to the ER for everything! Scratches, rashes, coughing, eye goop – you name it, I thought it was an emergency! I’m sure the doctors rolled their eyes each time they saw me come in.
  • I dressed him to the nine’s – at all times. He looked as if he was attending an Oscar party just to go to daycare. What baby doesn’t need a sweater vest and designer jeans to finger-paint?
  • I had four strollers! One for the car seat to snap in, one for walking, one for running and one for travel.
  • I carried hand sanitizer and would make anyone who wanted to touch him douse themselves in it first.
  • When he went to sleep – our lives stopped. No movement or noises were allowed. Maybe that’s why it took over three years to have another baby?
  • Anytime I left the house, even if to only get gas, I would take the entire nursery with me along with a diaper bag.
  • I had several outfit changes for him at all times. If one drip of salvia touched his outfit, I would change him.
  • I dressed him like he was on the bomb squad just to ride his tricycle.

Helicopter moms: ante up! I see you and raise you by a million.  While most of my friends would still say I hover more than the average mom, at least they would agree I’m no longer holding residence at the insane asylum.

I'm holding on for dear life!
I’m holding on for dear life!


Girl’s Night Out vs. Mom’s Night Out

Remember when you could call up a few girlfriends on a Saturday morning and plan a night out for that evening? You could then go get a mani-pedi, shop for an outfit and may even have time for a blowout.  The night usually started out with cocktails and a nice meal, followed by some dancing into the wee hours of the morning.  The conversation was often centered around men, careers, travel plans or some other chick you hated at your job.  You were worry-free, responsibility-free and kid-free. Those were the days.

What 'Girls Night' used to be..
What ‘Girl’s Night’ used to be..

It recently dawned on me how much my social life has changed when I planned a girl’s night out for my birthday a few weeks ago.  I enlisted some friends to help because as a working mom I barely have time to eat, let alone plan a night out.  All of my friends attending were moms too so we sent a “Save the Date” a month in advance.  Yes, a month in advance. This was a far cry from the days of “Hey, lets go grab a drink tonight”.

The night finally came and eight of my friends were able to make it. The first stop we made was a candle-making place. This is what’s now fun to us – making candles. I guess dancing on the bar is out of the question. After we made candles we went to a winery where we indulged in cupcakes and wine. We didn’t have time for a full dinner since we all have young kids at home, but I didn’t care because these were two of my favorite things paired with great company. As we’re enjoying our wine, two of the eight girls arrived late and were already in tears as they walked through the door. Wow, we’ve just started and there are already tears?  The tears used to come at the end of the night after many alcoholic beverages. We quickly got them a glass of wine and one spilled hers.  This resulted in more tears.

She explained she had a sick toddler for over a week, which in mom-land seems more like a year. She hasn’t had any sleep and only hears whining around the clock.  As she told us her sorrows she gulped down wine and we nodded sympathetically.  My other friend has a traveling husband and works full-time herself.  That alone is worth some tears.  She complained about her stressful week and how she feels like she is drowning.  Unfortunately, I can relate to both to both of them.

The night soon morphed into a therapy session for all of us.  Sometimes no one understands better than other moms.  We all complained and occasionally threw in the obligatory, “I love my kids, but”. We reminisced how girl’s night out used to be and laughed while we devoured some nachos. We discovered that none of us are Supermom, and we’re all just trying to do the best we can.  Even though there was not any dancing or throwing back shots, it actually turned out to be the perfect night – for moms.

Eventually the tears turned into smiles and we marked our calendars for another girl’s mom’s night in the near future. The next morning I woke up feeling great and I was able to enjoy my kids a little more knowing my friends share in the same struggles as I do.  Time-outs are just as important for moms as they are for toddlers – even if it’s just to make candles. I would, however, recommend that wine be involved too.  Cheers. 

Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday to me!





7 Things You Do If You’re A Parent Of Young Children

Remember when you first found out you were going to be a parent?  I bet you swore you would never do things you saw other parents do.  You also probably thought you would still be able to partake in adult activities, maintain an immaculate home, and not let your kids dictate your life.

So how’s that working out for you?  

 Not going as planned?

 That’s what I thought.

Before becoming a parent – I too believed in this fantasy.  Now I’ve accepted the things I can’t change and have embraced the nuances that coincide with parenting young children. There are specific certainties that parents of infants and toddlers just have to succumb to. We all belong to a special club and membership requires some if not all of the following:


Your living room looks like you put a couch in the middle of Gymboree.

I swore once we had kids that our living room would remain kid-free. Unfortunately, this only lasted a few months. Now it’s plagued with toys and baby gear even though we have a designated playroom downstairs. The couch and ottoman are now used as a trampoline and the television console has become the emergency stop for all my son’s racecars. We used to have nice things – not so much anymore.  

There goes my 'adult' space
There goes my ‘adult’ space

Your car is a place where Goldfish go to die.

The car wash has actually charged me extra when I take my car in to get cleaned. When they see me pull in, half of the staff suddenly goes on break. My car has definitely seen better days, which didn’t include sticky chocolate milk stains and remnants of Goldfish crackers smashed into the carpets.


You now dine with senior citizens.

Dinnertime with kids is now at 5 pm. If and when you are able to go to a restaurant, you will only be in the company of senior citizens or other families with small children. Once you’re there you have a very limited time to shovel all your food in your face and then race home before the clock strikes bedtime.  If you don’t make the bedtime deadline your kids will turn into little demons. Not exaggerating.


You no longer get embarrassed.

The days of caring what others think are long gone after the first few hundred times your kid acts like a raging lunatic in public.  You become a pro at ignoring them and everyone else.  You also find yourself doing embarrassing things like: smelling your kids butt to see if they have a dirty diaper, licking their face to clean it and even picking their nose. 


You will never be on-time again.

Even if you plan ahead, set everything out the night before and wake up early – you will still be running late. Your kids have no concept of time nor do they care about being punctual. The simplest thing like putting on their jacket can take up to 20 minutes.  The world now revolves around them.  You’ll need to accept this early in the game in order to keep your sanity.


You know every character and song played on Disney Junior.

You can’t remember the last time you watched a non-animated show.  You find yourself singing the songs and getting excited for any new episodes of your child’s favorite cartoons – because ultimately these will serve as the babysitter when you need a break. You may even find yourself sitting in an arena watching all the characters singing and skating around on ice.  Never say never.


You have become an expert at multi-tasking.

You quickly learn how to utilize your time wisely.  Who knew you could prep dinner while feeding your baby, paying your bills, loading some laundry and even checking Facebook all at the same time? I often wear my baby around the house so I can have my hands free to take care of other things.  As a parent you have to get creative or you will never get anything done.


I’m sure there are many more behaviors that bond us as parents with small children, these are just some of my favorites.  What are the tell-tale signs of parents with small children to you?







Embracing the Stay-At-Home Mom Status

It has been one year since I resigned from my corporate job.  Although I work from home part-time, most of my time is spent as a stay-at-home mom.  The first few months of my transition where difficult as I had been working, sometimes two jobs, since I became of the legal age to do so.

I had grown accustomed to the rat race and always being in a rush. I wasn’t bothered by my phone ringing constantly, or by the dozens of people who needed me daily – all at once.  My days were filled with presentations, client meetings, analyzing budgets and attending strategy meetings. This was my normal and I enjoyed it for a long time, however when my work-life balance began to fade quickly when my son was born – my priorities shifted.  If I was going to bow out of the race for a bit, there wasn’t a better time to do it. So….I did just that, gracefully of course. Carpe diem!


At first I marveled in the thought of finally having time for me. I envisioned a life of leisure – spending my days working out, lunching with friends, running errands and doing things with my son.  Unfortunately, this fairy tale never came to be.  The reality was my frantic corporate job was much easier than being a stay-at-home mom. I am just as busy and my days revolve around entertaining a toddler.  My presentations are now crayon drawings of stick figures labeled: Mommy and Sebastian.  Boy.. are their attention spans short or what!? It’s a constant dog-and-pony show around here. 

The days have flown by and we finally figured out a schedule, until we welcomed our new baby in November.  Now I am back at square one.  I’m hoping by his 10th birthday, I will have it together.  All of this is a far cry from my life just a year ago, however through it all I have learned to embrace the benefits of being a SAHM.

Some benefits (for me) are:

More time with my little men!

This is obviously the biggest advantage of staying home. Before, I was lucky if I got to kiss them goodnight. Our weekends were often rushed with activities and chores, which translated into stress and anxiety.  Now I get to hug and kiss them a lot more, which I am sure they love too!

SAHM friends!

First order of business after my resignation was to make other SAHM friends.  It’s hard to have SAHM friends when you work because once you get home you are doing the same thing they’re doing: baths, dinner and bedtime routines. Making new friends allowed me to get adult time and give my kids new playmates. Plus you have someone who gets how being a SAHM is just as difficult as working in the corporate world. Trust me – adults can act like children just as much as your toddler can.

Embracing the yoga pant!

My first few weeks at home I dressed up – literally.  What was I thinking?  You are thrown up on all day, why would I wear something nice?  Then one day I put on my yoga pants to work out in…. and they stayed on for the next ten months.  First, yoga pants are extremely comfortable and second they make everyone think you are a regular at the gym.  Suckers! My only warning is that yoga pants can somewhat trick you – we often forget they stretch. This means they still fit after you binge on cake and nachos.  Then you act surprised when you put your jeans on and they seem a little tight. Ladies, don’t let the yoga pants fool you; you really do need to work out. Damn it – I thought I found a short cut!

Yay no more suits!
Yay no more suits!

HGTV/ Food Network

TV was a luxury I just didn’t have time for.  On the rare occasion time did allow for TV, it was showing Disney Junior.  Not that I have a lot of time for TV now, but when the boys are napping I can feed my obsession with HGTV and The Food Network!  I learned to cook from The Food Network and HGTV brought out the designer in me that I didn’t even know existed! You just have to be careful not to get the bug to renovate your entire house from all the ideas you get.  House Hunters International makes me feel like I’m exploring the world from my very own couch.  Who says you need to pay for an expensive, exotic vacation? It’s all right there on HGTV!

VIP at Starbucks

Starbucks takes on a whole new role when you’re a mom – it’s your escape. It may be the only adult contact you receive all day, and they make you a delicious, energy-boosting beverage.  The only way your beverage could be better is if there were alcohol in it!  It’s also awesome that you don’t have to wait in line like cattle during rush hour!  All the barista’s know me and are involved in my life.   They know my drink and have it ready as soon as I enter the store, and they even act like they love my kids. I heart you Starbucks!

Less guilt

When I was working full time I always felt guilty.  Do my kids know me? Am I neglecting them? If I went to get a haircut or went to the grocery store without them, I felt like it was one less minute I should be spending with them.  In doing this I created more anxiety for myself.  I needed (and deserved) that time for me too. Now since I spend most of my time with my boys, as soon as my husband gets home I have no problem running out the door for a pedicure. It’s a win-win, we spend time together and my feet aren’t hideous!  I actually enjoy my me time without feeling like I have to rush home now.


I’m sure there are many more, but these are my top observations over the past year. As a work-a-holic, I thought I would absolutely hate staying home and it turns out – it’s pretty awesome! I have fully embraced this new chapter in my life. What are your favorite things about being a SAHM? Or a Working Mom? Share with us.


The Other Woman

Every year we get the opportunity to wipe the slate clean and start a new. Many of us make resolutions to lose weight, pay off debt or lead a healthy lifestyle.  My goal this year is to reconnect with my husband and kick the other woman in our marriage to the curb. You may know her by the name of Siri.

Before Siri my husband and I would talk about our days or current events at the dinner table.  At bedtime, we would catch up on Breaking Bad and cuddle before going to sleep.  During our limited free time we would take walks around the city, grab coffee, dream up vacations we wanted to take in the future, or talk about our children.

There were times he fell into digital induced comas, but they were few and far between – until he met her.

I have to admit I first introduced them, which is something I now regret. My husband’s job required him to have a Blackberry, so he was not interested in getting an iPhone.  He was blissfully unaware of the instant obsession one gets when they get their first iPhone, and he liked it that way.  I begged him for months to get one so when he traveled he could Facetime with the kids and I at night.  I also wanted him to feed my addiction by playing Words With Friends with me.

Half way through the year his company finally switched to iPhones and then – I lost him. Siri, equipped with her sexy English accent he gave her, became the first woman he talked to in the morning and the last woman he talked to before going to bed.  She joins him in the bathroom, graces us with her presence at the dinner table every night, and even accompanies us on date nights.  There have been numerous occasions where he will have his laptop, iPad, the television and Siri all being utilized at the same time.  How many sports highlights, scores and games can you actually watch at once?  Who are you Jerry Maguire?  I’m afraid I have created a monster. Oh, and by the way he hates playing Words With Friends, so my entire plan backfired.


As of the New Year I will no longer be an enabler or a participant.  We agreed our digital obsessions, particularly his, have gone too far.  Ms. Siri is now banned from the dinner table at home and on date nights. When our kids are awake we will now focus on them without looking at our phones constantly. Sunday’s are strictly family days with limited gadget play. Finally, Siri is no longer welcome in our bed. I’m sure she can find her own out in cyber space and stay out of mine.

I’m confident her sexy English accent could never replace my warm touch. My husband would agree, or at least I hope.



To All the Father’s Out There: It’s Not You, It’s Us.

As you may already know women are innately crazy, especially when in regards to our children.  We are overprotective, jealous, and all-knowing when it comes to the well-being of our babies.  It comes from a place deep inside, and we are unable to tame it. So know the next time we yell at you for something you did with the kids, we truly can’t help ourselves.  We just see things completely different.

what mom sees

Right before we had our son a month ago, I sat down next to my husband and told him I wanted to apologize in advance.  With a puzzled look on his face he followed up with a hesitant,

“For what? Do I dare ask?”

“You’ll see after the baby is here, so remember this sincere apology.”

I wanted to apologize early because I remembered how I turned into a certified lunatic right after we had our first kid.  Nothing he could do was right when caring for our baby.

“You’re not being gentle!”

“His diaper is too tight!”

“Wash your hands before you touch him!”

“Cuddle with him!”

“Don’t cuddle too tight!”

“Don’t shove the bottle in his mouth!”

“You’re going to slow!”

“You’re not going fast enough!”

In the essence of time, I will stop there or else I could probably go on forever.

With our second kid I was hoping, (hoping being the operative word), to be less of a psycho, but I knew the odds were not in my favor.  I am a woman and I am also obsessed with my kids. Plus, just like in pregnancy a woman’s hormones are a complete wreck after the baby until her body gets back to normal.  This alone is a recipe for disaster.

I have tried to explain this phenomenon to my husband many times, but it’s hard to find the right words.  I usually start with saying, “No one loves these kids more than me,” which is true, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them.  He’s a great father and I know he loves them deeply….just not as much as me.

These two are inseparable!
These two are inseparable!

All fathers must understand that we spent what seemed like a lifetime baking these kids.  We fell in love with them as soon as the pregnancy test boasted a positive sign.  We felt their hiccups and movements in our bodies. We gave up wine and sushi for them.  We went through horrendous pain and sacrificed our bodies to get our babies here. Once they arrive, it’s our boobs that leak when they cry.  After all this, the last thing we want is for someone else to harm a hair on our precious little miracles heads.

I want all fathers to know that the excessive nagging and micro-managing truly comes from a place of love.


Things You Never Say To A Pregnant Woman

Pregnancy is definitely a love/hate relationship.  One of the things I do not love about pregnancy is all the advice and comments you get – particulary from strangers. Lately I have found that these unwanted gestures tend to get worse as you near your due date. When someone says something to me I usually just smile or do my best to fake a laugh.  Luckily I am not one to take offense easily, so if you know me and have said any of these things listed below – do not fret as I still love you. I have been keeping a list of things not to say to pregnant women to educate all the non-baby vessels (men) and judgmental moms out there. So if you fall into one of these categories – listen up.

“Your boobs are huge!”

Do not under any circumstances say this.  Much to my dismay, I’ve had a huge rack my entire life so why are you surprised they are larger during pregnancy?  This is what happens when you are creating a life in your belly.  The milk has to have somewhere to store itself! Also, stop comparing yourself to me after you make this comment with, “Mine didn’t get that big!” Good for you. Guess what – mine did. Have you not ever seen a large pair of boobs before?  Unless you have lived under a rock your entire life I am sure you have, so enough with the boob comments.

“You must be eating for two!”

Translation to a pregnant woman: I’m huge. Why can’t I double fist my cookies and ice cream in peace? It’s really the only time in life a woman can indulge without the guilt, so let us have it. If you are making this comment out of jealousy, then I suggest you go get yourself knocked up.


“You must be ready to pop!”

Again you are insinuating I am huge. People started saying this to me when I was seven months along. When I would tell them I had another three months to go, a look of horror came over their face. I’m 5’2 people, seven months pregnant on me looks like 20 months pregnant on a normal person. Secondly, of course I am ready.  Who likes carrying around a soccer ball in their crotch for months?  I have been ready to pop since the third month.

“How much weight have you gained?”

Luckily this has only been asked a few times, but when it was I suddenly heard a record scratch. What? Who asks this? Didn’t your momma ever teach you to mind your manners?  If you are asking from a competitive aspect, I will just lie so it makes me better than you. Just a heads up.

“Are you having any more kids?”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is a question better suited for after my lady parts have returned to normal. The farthest thing from my mind right now is starting over in pregnancy! Plus your question will just result in a “HELL-TO-THE-NO!” Now, if you would like to be my surrogate along with give me a winning lotto ticket then I will reconsider my answer.

“You really shouldn’t be doing that.”

Are you my doctor? Or even a doctor at all? Then shut your mouth. Offering help is one thing but offering unsolicited advice about things that are supported in the medical community is not acceptable. I know the limits. If I want to have caffeine, I can. If I want to have a glass of wine here or there, I can too. If you see me at a bar chugging martinis and partaking in illegal substances then I fully support you not only punching me in the face, but also calling the cops to have me arrested. I think that’s fair.

“OMG, when I was in labor I almost died.”

Hey doomsday queen– look at my belly, I am still pregnant. Know what that means?  I still have to deliver this baby and the last thing I want to hear is your terrible birth story. I am still living in the possibility of having the perfect scenario of a pain free, two-push birth. I would love to hear your story but preferably after my baby is born. Deal? Good.

Sure I would love to hear... after my labor!
Sure I would love to hear… after my labor!

“It can’t be that bad.” 

I love when men say this to me. And to answer you: “IT IS!” Somewhere deep in our sadistic brains women only tend to remember the outcome of pregnancy.  This is the only reason we do it again. It is brutal and it sucks – period.  If at anytime you men would like to trade places with us through a pregnancy and birth, I will gladly take you up on that. Keep me posted.

I’m am sure this list could go on forever but these are my favorite so far. Hopefully this will clear up the air on what is appropriate and what isn’t when speaking to a pregnant woman. If you have any to add please share in the comments below.