Now that my little guy is about to turn one I find myself relieved to close the door on the baby phase. Not only do I look like a cast member from the Walking Dead, but I act like one too. I’m exhausted – mentally and physically. At this point I would have to be insane to consider adding a third to the clan; but because I’m obsessed with babies I change my mind on a daily basis. Since there are a million things I do love about the baby stage, I figured I would document all the things I loathe about the first year. In doing so, I’m hoping it will motivate me to keep taking my birth control – every day.
Things I will definitely NOT miss from the baby phase:
Pumping – I hate pumping. I’m that freak of nature who produces enough milk to feed an army. I’ve actually calculated how many hours of my life have been dedicated to pumping this last year – the total was 6 weeks. That’s a lot of time.
Blowouts – Always at the most inopportune moments, right? Like right when you put them in their carseat and are already late. Who knew those little bodies could produce so much waste?
No Privacy – I’m looking forward to the day when I can go to the bathroom without little hands on my knees or a baby in my arms.
Mimicking A Prisoner When Eating – Not only do you have to shovel every meal in your mouth because of time limitations, but you also have to guard your plate because they want whatever’s on it. Sometimes you just don’t feel like sharing or having your dinner thrown on the floor.
Playing Baby -Charades – Baby-charades is not fun and can be very frustrating. Just tell me what you want, kid!
Carrying Baggage – My diaper bag could double as a small carry-on. I hate carrying around extra clothes, diapers, bottles, snacks, toys, wipes, hand sanitizer, pacifiers and everything else those little minions need every where I go.
Everything Goes In Their Mouth – Dog bone.. sure why not. Dirt..why not? Every germ-infested item other than the toys I bought you to actually chew on.. sure why not.
Baby Gear – My entire house has been taken over by swings, jumpers, bouncy seats, high chairs and a pack-in-play. I forgot I used to have an adult space.
And finally the worst of all…..
Sleep Deprivation – Babies don’t care if you have to work in the morning. I pretty much haven’t slept a full night in the past year, hence my acceptance onto the Walking Dead series.
Now why would I want to go through this all over again? It’s the smell, that damn newborn smell. It gets you every time. Note to self: Stay away from newborns.