Things I Desperately Miss About My Pre-Baby Body

Remember your pre-baby body? The one that could pull all-nighters and sneeze without having to change out your under garments? I remember it too, and I miss it immensely.

While pregnant I took every precaution known to man to try and preserve my pre-baby body. I did pelvic exercises to save my lady parts. I lathered myself up with oil every night to try and prevent stretch marks. I ate extremely healthy (well, minus the ice cream) and exercised religiously to help prevent excessive weight gain. I even wore special bras that claimed to help maintain “perkiness”.

Fortunately my efforts did prevent a few catastrophes, but sadly there were other parts of my body I had to bid farewell. Since both of my boys are apparently decedents of Bigfoot, my petite body took quite a beating. My once beautiful, bragging-rights, rack is now nothing but a couple of enlarged milk bags destined for surgery. Trust me when I say, they won’t even show their face in a pitch-black room until further notice.

Since every mom misses something about her pre-baby body, let’s compare to what once was. Shall we?

Boobs. Every mom I talk to misses her boobs. After babies, they end up too big or shriveled up little raisins. Why can’t we have an in-between? Why must our boobs now resemble deflated tube socks or look like they were set out in the sun for three days straight without sunscreen? Not fair.

Nipples. Now referred to as giant flying saucers. If you’re a breastfeeding mom, you’ve lost all feeling too. Awesome.

Bladder. I once was the queen of holding my bladder all day at work. Not because I wanted to, but because I was always so busy. Now my bladder controls me. Go time – means go time. Who knew once you became a mom you would no longer be able to sneeze, laugh, or cough without saying a silent prayer to the bladder control Gods. (This was the second highest complaint I’ve heard from all my mom friends.)

Hair. Women with thick hair – beware. I use to have this lovely, thick flowing mane. My hair was my thing. People always complimented me on it. Now, after months of pulling handfuls out in the shower, I have feathered wings on both sides of my face. I would fit perfectly back in the 80’s.

Butt. For some reason my butt decided to melt into my legs with my last pregnancy. Nothing a few thousand squats at the gym won’t fix, because as a busy mom I have time for that, right?

Feet. With the rest of our bodies changing so much you’d think we could catch a break on our feet. Not so much. My feet grew a half size and never returned to their original state. Goodbye to all my old cute heels I spent a fortune on!

Brain: Riddle me this. How can I remember my telephone number from when I was five years old, but can’t remember where I put my phone or keys everyday? I also can’t remember what I did yesterday half the time. Having kids makes you lose your mind. Literally.

Tummy: Not that I had washboard abs prior to pregnancy, but I definitely didn’t look like I won a burrito eating contest everyday – like I do now.

Was going through all this worth it? Yes. Would we do it all over again for our babies? Yes. These obviously go without saying, but while we’re being honest here – wouldn’t it be nice if we could wear a dress without squeezing into Spanx, and play jump rope with our kids without peeing ourselves? I know the answer, and so do you.


Things You Never Say To A Pregnant Woman

Pregnancy is definitely a love/hate relationship.  One of the things I do not love about pregnancy is all the advice and comments you get – particulary from strangers. Lately I have found that these unwanted gestures tend to get worse as you near your due date. When someone says something to me I usually just smile or do my best to fake a laugh.  Luckily I am not one to take offense easily, so if you know me and have said any of these things listed below – do not fret as I still love you. I have been keeping a list of things not to say to pregnant women to educate all the non-baby vessels (men) and judgmental moms out there. So if you fall into one of these categories – listen up.

“Your boobs are huge!”

Do not under any circumstances say this.  Much to my dismay, I’ve had a huge rack my entire life so why are you surprised they are larger during pregnancy?  This is what happens when you are creating a life in your belly.  The milk has to have somewhere to store itself! Also, stop comparing yourself to me after you make this comment with, “Mine didn’t get that big!” Good for you. Guess what – mine did. Have you not ever seen a large pair of boobs before?  Unless you have lived under a rock your entire life I am sure you have, so enough with the boob comments.

“You must be eating for two!”

Translation to a pregnant woman: I’m huge. Why can’t I double fist my cookies and ice cream in peace? It’s really the only time in life a woman can indulge without the guilt, so let us have it. If you are making this comment out of jealousy, then I suggest you go get yourself knocked up.


“You must be ready to pop!”

Again you are insinuating I am huge. People started saying this to me when I was seven months along. When I would tell them I had another three months to go, a look of horror came over their face. I’m 5’2 people, seven months pregnant on me looks like 20 months pregnant on a normal person. Secondly, of course I am ready.  Who likes carrying around a soccer ball in their crotch for months?  I have been ready to pop since the third month.

“How much weight have you gained?”

Luckily this has only been asked a few times, but when it was I suddenly heard a record scratch. What? Who asks this? Didn’t your momma ever teach you to mind your manners?  If you are asking from a competitive aspect, I will just lie so it makes me better than you. Just a heads up.

“Are you having any more kids?”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is a question better suited for after my lady parts have returned to normal. The farthest thing from my mind right now is starting over in pregnancy! Plus your question will just result in a “HELL-TO-THE-NO!” Now, if you would like to be my surrogate along with give me a winning lotto ticket then I will reconsider my answer.

“You really shouldn’t be doing that.”

Are you my doctor? Or even a doctor at all? Then shut your mouth. Offering help is one thing but offering unsolicited advice about things that are supported in the medical community is not acceptable. I know the limits. If I want to have caffeine, I can. If I want to have a glass of wine here or there, I can too. If you see me at a bar chugging martinis and partaking in illegal substances then I fully support you not only punching me in the face, but also calling the cops to have me arrested. I think that’s fair.

“OMG, when I was in labor I almost died.”

Hey doomsday queen– look at my belly, I am still pregnant. Know what that means?  I still have to deliver this baby and the last thing I want to hear is your terrible birth story. I am still living in the possibility of having the perfect scenario of a pain free, two-push birth. I would love to hear your story but preferably after my baby is born. Deal? Good.

Sure I would love to hear... after my labor!
Sure I would love to hear… after my labor!

“It can’t be that bad.” 

I love when men say this to me. And to answer you: “IT IS!” Somewhere deep in our sadistic brains women only tend to remember the outcome of pregnancy.  This is the only reason we do it again. It is brutal and it sucks – period.  If at anytime you men would like to trade places with us through a pregnancy and birth, I will gladly take you up on that. Keep me posted.

I’m am sure this list could go on forever but these are my favorite so far. Hopefully this will clear up the air on what is appropriate and what isn’t when speaking to a pregnant woman. If you have any to add please share in the comments below.