8 Things I Actually Miss About Being Pregnant

Originally featured on Scary Mommy

I can hear the gasps now! Wait, what? Who misses being pregnant? All you do is pee yourself, waddle like a duck, gain more weight than you’d like to admit, and complain to your partner nonstop! So let me clarify: I don’t miss pregnancy in a let me go and get knocked up kind of way, but more in a I only miss it now because I don’t have to go through the experience again kind of way.

Since my husband and I have officially nixed any further family expansion plans, I thought I would relish the few fond memories I do have of my last two, brutal, pregnancies.

Besides the obvious (you get a cute little baby at the end) here are some benefits to being pregnant:

1. You can let it all hang out. This by far was the best perk of being pregnant. After many dinners that included seconds and dessert, I didn’t have to worry about sucking my belly in. I could just let it flop down between my legs and no one would guess that the bump was actually the consequence of my shameful indulgences. People look at your belly in awe because you are creating a little life in there, versus whispering to their friends that you may need to lay off the burritos for awhile.


2. You have a free pass to sleep all the time. I love naps, but I always feel guilty taking them. I feel like that is time I could be spending with my family or being productive, but when I was pregnant, I slept all the time without the guilt! In fact, if anything or anyone came in between my day sleeping and me – there was hell to pay!

3. You have a “Get Out of Jail Free” card. I used this card often when helping with chores, driving, avoiding social events I was too tired for, and even tying my own shoes. It was glorious!

4. You can eat guilt free. Even though I’m typically a healthy eater, I allowed myself some gelato more times than I’d like to admit. You’re eating for two, right? Even though that second person is the size of a lemon, they need just as much gelato as you do. Plus, every bite was worth it.

5. You feel the baby move first. There is something very special about being the only one to share that experience with your baby. You fall in love with your baby first. They fall in love with you first – and that’s some magical shit.

6. You can pamper yourself more often. I had prenatal massages once or twice a month just so I could move, but those two hours were heaven on earth. I also had several pedicures a month. I loved convincing my husband to rub my feet, and he fell for it every time! I just might have to fake an injury or something so I can justify putting this pampering back into my monthly rotation.

7. You have thick gorgeous hair. Your hair looks like you walked out of a salon every day! The shine, the texture, the fullness – where did it go? This last time I lost a lot of hair post-partum. I’m regretting complaining about that lustrous hair now.

8. You have a leg up on any situation. Anytime someone complained about petty shit, you could always say, “I’m creating a life! What are you doing today?” Take that, people who always think they have it so rough!

For all the women who float through pregnancy with ease and love every minute of it, I envy you and almost don’t believe you. Pregnancy was one of the most emotional, and physically draining, things I’ve ever been through, but was absolutely worth it – even if it was just for the guilt-free gelato (and the cute little baby)!


Losing The Dreaded Pregnancy Weight

There are very few things in life more difficult than losing weight, especially as you get older. It takes dedication and a commitment to make life changes.  As humans we are creatures of habit and unfortunately we pick up bad habits rather quickly.

I recently had my second baby and as a normally petite 5’2” woman, pregnancy has never my strong suit. I also have a giant husband who measures in at a whopping 6’5”.  Together we produced two very large, tall, boys.

Going into this pregnancy I knew it would be my last so I didn’t restrain myself from any cravings. If I wanted a cookie, I was going to eat a cookie… okay, maybe two cookies – who’s counting anyways? I also headed up the Catering department at a luxury hotel so indulging in amazing food was not something I was ever going to turn down.  Pregnant women like to joke they are now eating for two, but let’s be honest here; the second person is practically the size of a melon. I’m sure they don’t require a whole cookie just for themselves.

I admit my love for food is unparalleled, pregnant or not.  This obsession coupled with hypothyroidism, hormone treatments, and an intense sweet tooth caused me to gain nearly 20lbs before I even became pregnant.  During my pregnancy I gained another 40lbs, so I knew once this baby arrived – I would have my work cut out for me.  In my last trimester I put together a weight loss game plan.  I knew if I waited I would get caught up in the daily struggles of taking care of a newborn and my goals may have been sidelined.


Let me first state that I am not a weight loss expert, a doctor, a nutritionist or even a personal trainer – I am just a busy mom who is passionate about my health and the example I set for my boys.

The first step was writing my goals down and sharing them with friends and family. I am a firm believer in sharing your goals so you are held accountable for them.  Plus, you can use the encouragement and support you receive as inspiration to continue on your path.  Next, I created a realistic timeline.  It takes nine months to put on the weight and it very well may take nine months (or longer) to take it off. Being a mom is stressful enough so be sure to make attainable goals, as you want your weight loss to be a healthy one.  Finally, I downloaded some helpful Apps to track my progress and started following a few fitness blogs. Over the last several months, I continued to stay true to myself and my goals.  If I cheated one day, I made a conscious effort not to do it the next day or any future days.

Below are some tips that helped me reach my goal weight:

  • I wrote down my goals and shared them.
  • I chose to nurse my son.  Nursing, if you can and choose to, will help you lose up to 500 calories a day! This helped tremendously with my initial weight loss.
  • I toned down my portions. Eating off of a salad plate rather than a dinner plate helped me gain perspective on my portion sizes.
  • I eat very little dairy, refined sugars and gluten.  Diary and gluten can give your baby gas when nursing so giving them up was a win for both my baby and me.  I know gluten-free products can be expensive so try substituting one item at a time that your budget allows.
  • Sweets are now just an occasional treat, not part of my daily meal plan. I do miss my cookies though!
  • I signed up for a Mommy Fit class. These classes are a great way to incorporate your baby into your fitness routine, and are  perfect networking opportunities for you to meet other new moms.
  • I enjoy running as a cardio workout so I signed up for future races to keep my goals ongoing.
  • I follow fitness / healthy lifestyle blogs religiously.  Three of my favorites: New mom, Kelsey Byers Fitness, Becci Prather Fitness, and Angela Carpenter, The Yoga Life Blog.  All give recipes, food recommendations, fitness routine suggestions and post videos to show the ‘How To’.
  • I have two Apps that I also use religiously: The Nike + Running App to track my miles and running goals and My Fitness Pal to track my calories, food intake and exercise goals.
  • When the baby naps I try to use that time to work out, whether it’s simple floor exercises, push-ups or using hand weights.
  • This one may sting a little… I consume very little alcohol. Alcohol is a complete waste of calories and it also prevents me from nursing my son.  I now consider it only as a treat on special occasions. The nightly glass of wine for relaxation is now a thing of the past.

baby weight

Today my son is almost five months old and my progress has exceeded my expectations. When I checked into the hospital I weighed 185lbs, I currently weigh 120lbs. I feel amazing but most importantly – I feel healthy.



How Does One Make Room For Two?

As I lay here reading a bedtime story to my son just days away from my due date, reality is starting to set in. Although I’m overwhelmed with excitement, I can also feel a sadness come over me. I’m sad my son has no idea his world is about to be turned upside down, sad he will now have to share me with another and sad it will no longer be just he and I.  I hope this connection between us never fades and I will always be his “super mommy” even after his brother arrives.

Being the over-analyzer that I am, I fear this new addition might take me away from him (and my husband – he deserves attention too).  This was one of the reasons I took a hiatus from the corporate world.  I could no longer give 100% to the grueling work schedule and my family.  Often times new additions result in scarifies elsewhere.

They say the greatest gift you can give a child is a sibling. I pray this reins true for my boys. I want them to love each other and share a brotherly bond no one will ever be able to break, even if it comes when they are older. I remember when my nephew first welcomed his baby brother he told my sister, “Take him back to the hospital, I’ve changed my mind.”  We laugh now but I remember it was quite overwhelming for her at the time. Trying to manage my love for two will soon be my new normal.


I just hope I’m always able to make my boys feel loved equally. Right now it seems unfathomable to expand my heart further for another child. Friends continue to tell me I will feel the same connection and love for my new baby – it’s just hard to imagine until he arrives.  For the past three years, I have just been Sebastian’s mom. This is all I know.

I hope baby Alex will love me just as much.  I hope he loves to cuddle.  I hope he looks at me with the same eyes as my son does now. Since he is my last baby, I know I will devote a lot of attention to him and I just hope it is not at the expense of Sebastian.

Life is about to change and although this is not my first rodeo, I feel like an amateur all over again.  Wish me luck.


Things You Never Say To A Pregnant Woman

Pregnancy is definitely a love/hate relationship.  One of the things I do not love about pregnancy is all the advice and comments you get – particulary from strangers. Lately I have found that these unwanted gestures tend to get worse as you near your due date. When someone says something to me I usually just smile or do my best to fake a laugh.  Luckily I am not one to take offense easily, so if you know me and have said any of these things listed below – do not fret as I still love you. I have been keeping a list of things not to say to pregnant women to educate all the non-baby vessels (men) and judgmental moms out there. So if you fall into one of these categories – listen up.

“Your boobs are huge!”

Do not under any circumstances say this.  Much to my dismay, I’ve had a huge rack my entire life so why are you surprised they are larger during pregnancy?  This is what happens when you are creating a life in your belly.  The milk has to have somewhere to store itself! Also, stop comparing yourself to me after you make this comment with, “Mine didn’t get that big!” Good for you. Guess what – mine did. Have you not ever seen a large pair of boobs before?  Unless you have lived under a rock your entire life I am sure you have, so enough with the boob comments.

“You must be eating for two!”

Translation to a pregnant woman: I’m huge. Why can’t I double fist my cookies and ice cream in peace? It’s really the only time in life a woman can indulge without the guilt, so let us have it. If you are making this comment out of jealousy, then I suggest you go get yourself knocked up.


“You must be ready to pop!”

Again you are insinuating I am huge. People started saying this to me when I was seven months along. When I would tell them I had another three months to go, a look of horror came over their face. I’m 5’2 people, seven months pregnant on me looks like 20 months pregnant on a normal person. Secondly, of course I am ready.  Who likes carrying around a soccer ball in their crotch for months?  I have been ready to pop since the third month.

“How much weight have you gained?”

Luckily this has only been asked a few times, but when it was I suddenly heard a record scratch. What? Who asks this? Didn’t your momma ever teach you to mind your manners?  If you are asking from a competitive aspect, I will just lie so it makes me better than you. Just a heads up.

“Are you having any more kids?”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is a question better suited for after my lady parts have returned to normal. The farthest thing from my mind right now is starting over in pregnancy! Plus your question will just result in a “HELL-TO-THE-NO!” Now, if you would like to be my surrogate along with give me a winning lotto ticket then I will reconsider my answer.

“You really shouldn’t be doing that.”

Are you my doctor? Or even a doctor at all? Then shut your mouth. Offering help is one thing but offering unsolicited advice about things that are supported in the medical community is not acceptable. I know the limits. If I want to have caffeine, I can. If I want to have a glass of wine here or there, I can too. If you see me at a bar chugging martinis and partaking in illegal substances then I fully support you not only punching me in the face, but also calling the cops to have me arrested. I think that’s fair.

“OMG, when I was in labor I almost died.”

Hey doomsday queen– look at my belly, I am still pregnant. Know what that means?  I still have to deliver this baby and the last thing I want to hear is your terrible birth story. I am still living in the possibility of having the perfect scenario of a pain free, two-push birth. I would love to hear your story but preferably after my baby is born. Deal? Good.

Sure I would love to hear... after my labor!
Sure I would love to hear… after my labor!

“It can’t be that bad.” 

I love when men say this to me. And to answer you: “IT IS!” Somewhere deep in our sadistic brains women only tend to remember the outcome of pregnancy.  This is the only reason we do it again. It is brutal and it sucks – period.  If at anytime you men would like to trade places with us through a pregnancy and birth, I will gladly take you up on that. Keep me posted.

I’m am sure this list could go on forever but these are my favorite so far. Hopefully this will clear up the air on what is appropriate and what isn’t when speaking to a pregnant woman. If you have any to add please share in the comments below.




5 Things Husbands Hate About Pregnancy

Since my husband played a small role in making our babies, I thought I would throw some love his way by asking what he hated about pregnancy. I also asked some of my friends’ husbands the same question to see if there was a general consensus.  My hunch was correct and most complained about the same annoyances. Even though our men will never know (nor do I think they would want to know) what it is like to be pregnant, they have to deal with us – so why not let them b*tch too?


When I first asked my husband to give me five things he hated about pregnancy he wouldn’t take the bait. “Oh no, is this a trap for your blog? It’s not that bad and you’re the one going through it, so nothing really”  After a little eye-rolling, probing and swearing I wouldn’t get upset at his answers, he finally obliged.

Top Five Things Men Hate About Pregnancy:

  • First, he hates that I am always hot. Not just a little hot… like swamp a** hot. I insist on the AC being turned down so low that the house feels like we are front row at the Ice Capades. He now sleeps in winter pajama pants and a long sleeve shirt.  He also uses an extra blanket at night as I lie uncovered with a glass of ice water waiting for me on the night stand. Every morning he wakes up with the sniffles and a sore throat as I am wiping the sweat from my brow. He’s even tried turning it up in the middle of the night, but I always wake up and turn it down again. Checkmate guy – don’t mess with my AC.
Adam – every morning
Adam – every morning
  • I was surprised the AC was his first complaint, I thought it would be something regarding sex.  However, the sex came second. Obviously his pool of attention has diminished with each passing month. I won’t even cuddle because I am so uncomfortable and would rather wrap myself around my pregnancy pillow than him.  Plus complaining about my hips, back, huge belly and enlarged boobs is not sexy to him apparently. I would have to agree.
  • Thirdly he hates my super-power senses. Everything smells like rotten dead animal to me.  I can’t stand the smell of his face lotion and hid it from him until after the baby is born. I won’t cook come of his favorite foods and have even moved to a different table in a restaurant because I couldn’t be near the kitchen.  I think being a little high maintenance is better than vomiting in public wouldn’t you agree?
  • Next he hates the “nesting” stage. I usually have a very long honey-do-list every weekend. My nesting along with a mild case of OCD has taken over our free time organizing the garage, the boy’s room, washing all the baby clothes, de-cluttering, etc. He never complains and always does it, but I know after a long work week the last thing he wants to do is to slave away for a moody pregnant chick.
  • Lastly he hates that I share too much with him about the pregnancy. Imagine that – me share too much? No, it couldn’t be. I like to be descriptive with my symptoms to really bring home the point. How else would he know what I’m going through? You would think after eight years together he would get used to this, but he said during pregnancy my openness is more than he can take sometimes. He doesn’t want to hear about when I pee myself or that when your pregnant you can’t poop. He finished with, “Sweetie, some things are just better left unsaid.”

I’m sure there are more but I gave a limit of five. Luckily he only has eight more weeks to go to put up with me!

What are your partners’ complaints?





Why You Should Take Pregnancy Photos

I admit I’m a vain person when it comes to taking photos. I even have a side I must take pictures on.  If I can’t take the photo from that angle, I opt out.  Snobby I know, but I don’t like to be captured in time looking like a disaster.  Who does? At least if people see me in person looking like a hot mess, which is a lot by the way, their memory of me will soon fade. Pictures however last for-ev-er; and with all the social media and sharing sites out there your photos can reach thousands of people in seconds.

To quickly elaborate on the origin of my bad-picture phobia: I grew up in the South, we don’t even go to the gas station unless you are dolled up.  That’s the way it is. When you look your best, you feel your best. Even nine years as a Chicagoan, I still never leave the house without mascara and lip gloss on. Those I am taking to the grave with me.  I know I will get some hate mail saying pregnant women are beautiful and I shouldn’t be such a diva. I agree with you and admitted I am a vain b*tch when it comes to photos. Other pregnant women are beautiful and even if I was one of those other women, I feel far from sexy when pregnant.  There is nothing wrong with that, and I am sure I am not alone. If you feel amazing and sexy while pregnant, I commend you and secretly hate you. Truth.

When deciding on whether or not to take pregnancy photos I thought long and hard.  Do I want people to see me looking like an Umpa Lumpa?  Do I want people to see my belly button all stretched out like a bad yoga pose?  Do I want people to see my enormous boobs?  Ultimately I decided to take them because I didn’t take pictures with my first pregnancy and have regretted not doing so.  Back then I was working sixty-plus hours a week and there was always tomorrow. Well, tomorrow came and went and suddenly my baby was here. I missed an opportunity I can never get back.

This time around I wanted to capture the moment- swollen face and all. Ultimately the idea of pregnancy is – beautiful. I loved the outcome and am so glad I took the time, and put aside my southern princess roots, to capture baby Alex in the womb.

I posted them on Pinterest under pregnancy photo ideas and they have received a lot of re-pins. This led me to share with all of you.  My husband took these with our camera, a Nikon D60.  Then I used iPhoto on my laptop to soften them up and add some filters.  Photo shoots and prints are expensive so this was a great, free alternative.  Here’s to women and their baby makers.







The Anatomy Of My Pregnancy Sleep Cycle

Every night I share a bed with a giant, a toddler, a pregnant belly and a dog. As of late, I share my sleep cycle with snoring, bathroom breaks, leg cramps, hip numbness, and baby number two holding a rave dance party in my belly. Ah, the joys of pregnancy.

I’m curious if this is the universe trying to prepare me for the long, truly sleepless, nights I will be graciously given once baby Alex arrives. Either way, I am tired and there is no end in sight.

This is a typical night in my house as illustrated by me. Sometimes pictures do more justice than words. Enjoy.

By 9:30 we head upstairs to wind down.

Part 1 sleeping

Thirty minutes later my husband is in a deep sleep ALREADY! How does he clear his mind and fall asleep so fast? His snoring is full-force and I usually poke him several times a night to give me a few minutes of quiet. By this time, my eight pound Chihuahua has nestled in his favorite spot – my crotch.

Part 2 sleeping

By 11 p.m., I have already been to the bathroom twice. Each time I come back, I lose more of my bed space… and the blanket. My legs start to go numb and each time I turn, my hips pop.

Part 3 sleeping

Now, here I am at 1:30 am. The kid has made his way into our bed and I am almost on the nightstand. The dog is in my crotch, my legs hurt, I am cold and my son has his feet in my ribs. The kid in my belly is also still fist pumping.

Part 4 sleeping

It’s 5:30 am and my last bathroom break before the alarm goes off. My son, a.k.a., the wind-mill, has managed to creep on top of me.

Part 5 sleeping

When the alarm goes off everyone is well rested, except me. Now it is time to be mom.

Part 6 sleeping

Here’s to another sleepless night. Hoping yours is much better than mine. – Holly


Gender Reveal: Surprise!

Whether you find out the gender of your baby during pregnancy or at birth, it is a very special moment. It is in this moment you begin to picture your life with this tiny being, choose a name, and fall in love with them even more than you were the day before.

With this pregnancy I have had many surprises. It’s been very unconventional, to say the least. Since I’m high risk and had an ovarian cyst burst in the first month of pregnancy, I’ve had many ultrasounds to confirm the baby’s health. At twelve weeks I went in for my second ultrasound. I took Sebastian with me so he could see the baby, however my husband was traveling on business and was unable to make it.

Once we arrived, the tech was finally able to confirm my due date and that the baby was healthy. I had seen this same tech several times before, so we began to build somewhat of a tech-patient friendship. Right before my appointment ended she turned to me and asked, “Are you finding out the sex?” I stopped breathing. Am I? Did I want to find out without my husband? Did I want to find out this time around? Was I ready for this news? But before I could let my brain control my mouth, my lunatic, control freak side took over: “Yes! Can you tell this early?” She confirmed you could and followed up by saying, “Now don’t going buying a bunch of sh*t just yet, but I pretty sure it’s a girl.”

My eyes welled up. Sebastian yelled, “Baby sister!” I couldn’t believe it. I walked out on cloud nine. I felt so blessed to be a mom to one of each. Even though I thought I wanted two boys, my mind started scrolling through years of ballet classes, mani-pedis, wedding dresses, and suddenly I was excited. Very excited.

I know she told me not to buy a bunch of stuff, but I did. I posted her name, Sophia, above the crib and decorated it with purple bedding. I also bought a couple of cute dresses. We didn’t tell our families right away because we wanted to wait for confirmation. We scheduled another ultrasound at a private place, which allows your family to log on to their website and view the screen with you. We thought this would be a great way to reveal the sex, as our families live in different states. Since we already knew the sex, we were trying to act surprised.

The tech prepared me on the table and stuck the wand on my belly. We were watching the screen in front of us patiently as she tried to get the baby to open their legs. It took a few tries but when she finally got the baby turned, she wrote on the screen: It’s A Boy!

WHAT THE F**K!!! My face dropped to the ground as my family was texting and cheering. I asked her, “Are you kidding me? That can’t be right? When did she grow a penis!?” The poor women looked at me…. speechless. Then…I cried. She wasn’t sure how to react after that. She tried to cheer me up, “Look Mommy, he is waving at you!” Yeah lady, whatever, waving at me saying, “Sucker! I tricked you!” Sebastian still confused followed up, “No more baby sister?” Adam, Sebastian and I sat in awe. We then paid the fee and left. As soon as I got home I returned all the girl stuff, cried a little more, then went to sleep.

The next day, I started thinking: If that b*tch wouldn’t have told me girl and showed me a little vagina as proof, I would have never had this reaction. But she did. She was wrong. Get over it. A boy is awesome. You will always be Queen of the house and you won’t have to share your shoes and handbags with some chick you call your daughter. It was then I started getting excited – for another boy. So ladies and gentleman come November, Thanksgiving to be exact, Mr. Alexander (the Great trickster) will make me the happiest mommy alive.

To celebrate we took some cheesy gender reveal photos. Enjoy.


Bye Bye Sophia!
Bye Bye Sophia!
It's A Boy!
It’s A Boy!
Yes my son is almost my height!
Yes my son is almost my height!
We tried to do glitter but Adam was not feeling blowing glitter.. as you can tell by his face.
We tried to do glitter but Adam was not feeling blowing glitter.. as you can tell by his face.
Still not sure about "Ah-wix" (Alex), or sharing his momma.
Still not sure about “Ah-wix”
(Alex), or sharing his momma.


Not sure yet, but he'll get there..
Not sure yet, but he’ll get there..

*Special thanks to Sylvia Stutz, an amazing photographer and friend, for her patience with a toddler and the great photos!



I Miss Breastfeeding. Did I Just Say That?

I know most of you are vomiting in your mouths right now, especially those of you who are currently breastfeeding.  Maybe I just miss it because I am not partaking at the moment.  Or, maybe my body is tricking me into missing it to prepare me for the long months ahead after the baby is born.

I remember with my son, I almost gave up after the first week.  He didn’t want to latch on because the milk was not coming out quick enough for his liking.  Hmm, no patience – wonder where he gets that from?  We called everyone we knew who had kids to ask for advice.  Should we get a Lactation Consultant?  Does he hate me? Is my milk bad?  Is it an allergy? Reflux? Finally we just relaxed, listened to our instincts, and it worked.

Sebe baby

I started pumping right away because I wanted to build my supply up.  Plus after he ate, I still felt engorged so I had to release all the milk.  After a few weeks I was producing 52 oz a day. You read that right. FIFTY-TWO ounces a day. I was a cow, literally. Oddly enough, I was proud of this.  If my husband wasted or spilled any of my milk, it was his ass.  This is liquid gold people! Respect!

This is what my freezer looked like... Legit.
This is what my freezer looked like… Legit.

Once I got the hang of it, I loved it.  Of course, there were a few things not to like. For example, it dominated your daily routine. You most certainly had to plan lunch or play dates around your pumping schedule.  It also was very inconvenient when life got in the way.  I once had a six-hour flight delay, and had to pump in an airport bathroom stall. Vomit. I used the handicapped stall as it had enough room, and of course, as soon as my milk let down; knock knock.  Sh*t!  

Luckily the lady had a daughter who was breastfeeding too, and we were in Texas where people are generally nice.  She replied, “It’s ok Honey, you finish up, I can wait.”  I hugged her when I stepped out and offered her my next born out of guilt.  She laughed, and passed on my offer. Good thing, because I didn’t catch her name.

Back to why I miss it: I loved that my body could provide such great nutrition for my son, and it was free!  Formula is ri-dic-u-lous-ly expensive. I also loved for every ounce of milk you produced, 20 calories were lost. Along with working out and eating healthy, I dropped weight like a bad boyfriend!  If I had a piece of chocolate, I would turn to my friends and say, “It’s cool, I can just go pump it out!” I liked seeing their faces riddled with jealousy as they wished their boobs could pump out calories too!  To be honest, this was one of the main reasons why I did it for almost a year. Selfish? Maybe. Brilliant? Yes!

Mostly, I miss that connection with my baby.  It was a beautiful thing and made me proud to be a mom. Now, come November I want all of you to remind me of this post when I am b*tching about breastfeeding.  Until then, I will relish in my fond memories.

Me and my boo
Me and my boo

Lies, Lies and More Lies

I enjoyed Babycenter.com during my first pregnancy.  I really liked their emails informing me of what and what not to do during my pregnancy, also receiving their updates on the growth and development of the baby.  I loved being part of a community of other ‘first-time’ moms as well. I felt like we were all scared to death and trying to lend blind advice to avoid panic attacks. It was comforting and exciting.

baby se

The second time around, I still love to get the ‘your baby is the size of a Kumquat’ emails. (Pause.  What the hell is a Kumquat, by the way, and why are you insulting my baby like that? Carry on.)

I guess they are kind of cute! Dear Kumquat, get a new name STAT.

However, many of the other notifications they send me I literally want to reply  in all caps: THE GIG IS UP, CUT THE CRAP!  For example, I received an email recently titled: Welcome to Your Second Trimester!  I thought this was sweet, but when I opened the email I burst into laughter. Following the nice welcome note, the email continued:  This is the time when most women feel their best. Liars!

Who are ‘most’ women?  The chicks who work at Babycenter.com? And by best, do you mean as compared to the rest of the pregnancy? I guess not having my head in a toilet is now an advantage, however peeing myself and slowly feeling my pelvic bone spread is not what I would consider ‘feeling my best’.  Just tell me like it is ladies.  Here is an example of an email I would like to get:


Welcome to Your Second Trimester!

While you may start to feel relief from the nausea, remember you are still pregnant.  Just seven more months of feeling like you have no control of your body. Yay!  Things to expect over the next few months:  You will start to waddle as your uterus is causing a wedge in between your pelvis. Your boobs will get extremely large, and  yellow stuff will start to leak out.  Your nipples will always feel like they can cut through glass.  Last but not least, since your organs are all pushed together you will pee yourself on occasion.  Avoid sneezing. We know this sounds awful, but it will ALL be worth it when you see your little bundle of joy. 


Speakers of Truth


The second part of the email they sent me read: ‘Most’ women also (here we go with the ‘most’ comparison again) experience a spike in their libido. Okay, okay.  Calm down there Babycenter. The only thing I am experiencing is in my dreams, and when I wake up I realize my body can not keep up with my mind.  Sex is not anywhere near sexy when your pregnant.  It is uncomfortable and awkward.  If there are women out there who say differently, then they are in a class all their own.

Just keepin’ it real. Feel free to do the same Babycenter.